shifting to freedom


📷: whatsaysthewickedchild (IG)

{an image of Oreo cookies with the creamy centers exposed and shaped like phases of the moon- beginning with the crescent moon and shifting into the full moon. The text reads “if I could be fixed, don’t you think, with all the time I spend on my own, I would have figured it out myself.”}

me: I think I’m finally at the point where I realize one my relationships will never be the same as it once was. I realize it worked once upon a time because I wasn’t disabled, because there was nothing to micro-manage, to try and fix. there’s no going back to that place now. I realize this because I realized this doesn’t occur in their other relationships, because the people who they’re dating or are friends with are overwhelmingly non-disabled folks. I sit and I can’t help but think to myself “those people don’t have to do the emotional labor that I do. They get to have fun. They don’t have to worry about doing ableism 101 in order to have an interaction that is significantly less grating.” And I understand it’s hard watching someone you care about struggle, but it’s been a year. It’s been a year and I’m worn out. I’ve come to dread the thought of spending time with this person, of being infantilized at every moment. Of being dehumanized because I’m relentlessly questioned at every turn and what I say is ignored anyways. I’ve been left so little space to come to terms what is happening to my body without worrying about someone who claims to want to be there trying to fix me, to grieve as needed, to reconcile my relationship with my body. And between the two poles of teaching someone and avoiding I have nothing left to give. I have nothing left for myself. .

Therapist: How much energy do you think you would have if you didn’t have to worry about someone trying to fix you? .

Me: a lot more. I think about the possibility of having another relationship in its place where someone knows they can’t fix me. Someone who knows their role isn’t to “fix it and make it better” but love me fully. There is the possibility of happiness, that I could be happy.

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